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Power Ranking the Teams I Want to Pick 1st Overall

The NHL held their draft lottery last night. As a Detroit Red Wings fan, it went poorly. The NHL devised a system that was so astronomically stupid, that it allowed an undecided playoff team to win the first overall pick. Now I’m going to try to not dwell on the absolutely embarrassing result for the NHL, instead accepting that Gary Bettman is corrupt. While it may be hard to believe that the Detroit Red Wings, who were the only team technically eliminated from the playoffs when the league paused, are picking 4th, I’m sure Steve Yzerman will figure it out. Anyways, we still don’t know who will pick 1st overall, so I’m gonna power rank the playoff teams I want to get that pick. Starting with the team I want to win the least:

Toronto Maple Leafs – I will kill myself. No cap.

Edmonton Oilers – As if winning a billion draft lotteries with nothing of value to show for it wasn’t enough, if the NHL decides that it’s poster boy needs even more help, I’ll scream.

Chicago Blackhawks – Patrick Kane stinks. Deep dish pizza stinks. The Bears stink. Duncan Keith is cool. Chicago stinks.

Winnipeg Jets – If I can’t be happy, neither can you. I hope you win your play-in round then get swept in the first round. I hope Patrik Laine stays in Finland and becomes a professional Fortnite gamer. I hope you experience heartbreak on a level not reached before.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Look. If you go from Mario Lemiux to Sydney Crosby to Alexis Lafreniere, I will burn the city of Pittsburgh to the ground. You made rigging the draft cool, so it would make too much sense for the NHL to rig it for you again.

Montreal Canadians – The Montreal Canadians got swept by the Detroit Red Wings this season. Almost 25% of Detroit’s wins this year came against the Montreal Canadians. You don’t deserve the first overall pick.

Phoenix Coyotes – The Coyotes made the best move all season by trading for Taylor Hall. He is the luckiest man alive, and now the Coyotes are going to win the first overall pick again. I hate it here.

Nashville Predators – You are the new San Jose Sharks. A perennial playoff team that will win a number of president cup trophies but never accomplish anything in the playoffs.

New York Islanders – You let John Tavares leave Long Island for the Leafs. I have not forgotten nor forgiven you.

Vancouver Canucks – The Canucks getting the first overall pick would be a riot.

Calgary Flames – Honestly, they need a star in Calgary. God knows it’s not Johnny Gaudreau. That munchkin needs all the support he can get.

The Columbus Blue Jackets – I want to be able to see Alexis Lafreniere play, so please don’t go to such an irrelevant team.

Minnesota Wild – See Columbus Blue Jackets

Carolina Hurricanes – Knowing how pissed the olds will be when they see Lafreniere doing the storm surge >>>

Florida Panthers – I have no strong feelings about this team. They mean nothing to me.

New York Rangers – Honestly? This would be fun as hell. A top line of Lafreniere, Panarin and Zibanejad would be the most electric line in hockey. I’d still hate it, but at least it would be fun to watch.

Ideally, the NHL just disbands. We as a society have progressed past the need for an NHL. Everyone would be so much happier this way. Anyways, I hate everything and nothing will ever make me happy ever again. I am inconsolable, and will never recover. I thought I missed sports, I was wrong.

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Music Peaked in 2007

With everything going so goddamn poorly across the globe right now, it’s hard not to stop and think about when everything went wrong. Where did we screw up? What did we do to deserve this? Thoughts like this have been crowding my mind for the better part of a month. It wasn’t until my girlfriend and I were wasting our lives on TikTok today, that we stumble across a mind blowing realization…

In 2007, we experienced the greatest year of music in human history and everything we have done since has been an attempt to chase that high. You think I’m wrong? Well, let me educate your uncultured brain and give you a little taste of the hits that dominated this year.

Here is a list of all the pop anthems released that year:

Umbrella – Rihanna feat. Jay. Z
The Sweet Escape – Gwen Stefani feat. Akon
Say It Right – Nelly Furtado

The Way I Are – Timbaland feat. Kerri Hilson and D.O.E
What Goes Around… Comes Around – Justin Timberlake
Rehab – Amy Winehouse
Shut Up and Drive – Rihanna
Kiss Kiss – Chris Brown feat. T-Pain

**SexyBack – Justin Timberlake feat. Timbiland**

Oh, you’re still not convinced? Take a look at these mid 2000’s rap icons.

Party Like a Rock Star – Shop Boyz
Smack That – Akon feat. Eminem
This Is Why I’m Hot – MiMS

**Crank That (Soulja Boy) – Soulja Boy**

Stronger – Kanye West
We Fly High – Jim Jones
Walk It Out – Unk

Pop, Lock & Drop It – Huey
Throw Some D’s – Rich Boy feat. Polow Da Don
Cyclone – Baby Bash feat T-Pain
Money Maker – Ludacris feat. Pharell
A Bay Bay – Hurricane Chris

If you did not spend hours on Youtube rotating through all of these absolute bangers, what were you doing? What’s that? You preferred the love songs that made your heart flutter? I got you:

Hey There Deliah – Plain White T’s
I Wanna Love You – Akon feat. Snoop Dog

Bubbly – Colbie Caillat
Here (In Your Arms) – Hellogoodbye
Summer Love – Justin Timberlake
Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol
Keep Holding On – Avril Lavigne
Because Of You – Ne-Yo

And of course, the Sock Hop slow dance anthem, and the most romantic song about cheating on your girlfriend, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder was released this year. Much like the girlfriend in that song, if you were looking for a break-up anthem, here ya go:

Cupid’s Chokehold – Gym Class Heroes
How to Save a Life – The Fray
Beautiful Liar – Beyonce feat. Shakira

Irreplaceable – Beyonce
Teardrops On My Guitar – Taylor Swift
Better Than Me – Hinder

But what about Rock n Roll, Michael? You may foolishly be asking me… Well don’t you worry, I have you covered as well!

Rockstar – Nickelback
Thnks fr th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy

Face Down – The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
It Ends Tonight – The All-American Rejects

**Welcome to the Black Parade – My Chemical Romance**

This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race – Fall Out Boy
Snow (Hey Oh) – The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Paralyzer – Finger Eleven

Was I very liberal with the Rock genre label. Yes. Do I care that you don’t think this is real “Rock n Roll?” No. Sit down and shut up, old man.

I could keep going, but I think I’ve made my point very clear. 2007 had a little bit of everything for everyone and this list is barely scratching the surface. Thanks for coming on this trip down memory lane with me. If you want a playlist of all these songs, follow the link below to get a Spotify playlist (if you have apple music, grow up).

Thanks for reading as always! – Mikey

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Ranking the Rooms in My House

What’s up, losers?

You may be wondering where I’ve been for the past couple of days and to be honest, that’s none of your business. But to answer your question, I’ve been in bed. Just chilling, waiting patiently for anxiety to just completely take over my life. It’s awesome, I’m a big fan. But amongst all this crap going on, I have become very familiar with my own house and it is clear that some rooms in my house are far superior to their colleagues. So here is how I would score the rooms in my house.

Laundry Room: C

Not much to do down here. Cold, lifeless, but it does have snacks. And that’s pretty neat.

Basement (Front Half): B+

This is easily one of the best rooms in my house. You’ve got an electric fireplace (to replicate the warmth of others), a TV (to distract you from our impending doom), and a sectional with a worn out seat cushion (it’s the only spot that my dad and I will sit in).

Basement (Back Half): B

This is where I get my sick pumps in. Check out those 10 pound dumbbells. Also a dope spot to try ping pong trick shots and learn TikTok dances.

Front Entrance: F

I hate the front entrance, it’s just a reminder that I can’t leave my house. Very pretty though.

Kitchen: A+

Probably the best room in my house. Do I really have to explain this one? I mean, there’s coffee and FOOD!!! Plus, you can sit on the counters which is cool.

Dining Room: B

This would have ranked higher, but I have been doing the little bit of work I still have left on the table, and that’s bummer. Great lighting for filming protein reviews. Remember those? Boy, do I have a short attention span

Living Room: A

Easily the second best room in my house. There are many places to sit and on some of them you can even lie down.

Bathroom(s): D

I decided to group these together, they’re pretty shitty.

My Sister’s Room: C+

This room has turned into my Dad’s home office while he’s working from home. It would have ranked higher, but he got mad at me for taking this picture. Good vibes only, dad.

Home Office: A-

This room has turned into my Mom’s home office while she’s working from home. It ranked higher, because she was happy to take this picture. Good vibes, mom!

My Parent’s Room: B-

They have a massive bed. And while they have a great relationship, my parents understand that sleeping in the same bed as someone is much better in theory than reality. Other people snore and move in their sleep. Plus it is tough to steal the covers when the blanket is bigger than Texas.

My Room: B

They say the man maketh the room. Or at least I think they do, I don’t know anymore dude. Well much like myself, this room is average. And much like myself it would be better with just a couple of tweaks. There is clutter everywhere; my mind is pretty cluttered. There are scratches on the floor; I frequently get random scratches and bruises all over my body. It’s painted green; I am emotionally unstable. Small things like that. But I do get to sleep here, and it still has my legos in the closet. So it’s pretty decent.

These rankings are obviously subject to change as I become increasingly more stir crazy. I have a hunch that I’m not giving the Laundry Room enough credit, but only time will tell.

Thanks for reading, I’m hopefully back to writing, but who knows anymore! Also, if you liked this but reading is hard, follow me on twitter (@curlyheadedpuck). There’s a character limit so it’s much shorter crap!

p.s. Shout out Dan for the idea on this one!

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Top 10 Words That Should Be Eliminated From the English Language

Here at KMN we like to give out credit, so big shout out to Shaelynn (plus, my friends and my mom) for helping out with the idea and some of the content on this one! Here ya go:

Look, there are too many words, just way too many. Why do we need so many words? I think we need to cull some of the worst. I mean hell, 90% of them are just synonyms for other words. I believe it was the great linguist: Kevin Malone who once said: “why waste time say lot words, when few word do trick”. And that is how I try to live my life. So I’ve decided to make the executive decision and remove the worst 10 words from the english language.

#10 – Scalp

The more you say it, the weirder it gets. Sc-alp. You know mountains? What if we added a “SC” in front of the word, and called it someone’s head skin. Holy shit, why are our foreheads not called foreskin. It is too perfect, I hate it.

#9 – Worcestershire

This may be cheating as it is technically a city in England, but that might make it even stupider. Every single time that damn sauce is brought up, we all take turns trying to pronounce it, and we look like idiots. HAHAh look at us, we can’t say this overly complicated word for a below average sauce. Call it A2 sauce and get it over with.

#8 – Flaccid

In the rare moments that a male in his 20’s is surprisingly not hard, there is no word that quite ruins the moment like flaccid. It takes the wind right out from under their wings. Flaccid. It’s just a pathetic and lugubrious word.

#7 – Lugubrious

Now, you are probably staring at your phone thinking, WTF is Michael talking about. This is gibberish. Well, I’ll have you know that my mom told me this word. And are you calling my mom a liar? Because I will fight you. Anyways… just say you’re sad lol.

#6 – Exposure

I may have been influenced by how it has been used lately, but this word is bad. I mean, let’s break it down:

“Expo” = an event to show something cool off

“Sure” = as in ‘Sure, I’ll show you off’.

Think about that for a second… Now, how stupid do I sound right now? Because, that’s how stupid you look doing something for the “exposure”. Get a job.

#5 – Munch

That hard “CH” sound stinks. Like why do you need to end your word so aggressively. When you munch something, you don’t do it angrily, you’re all happy and chill. So why does munch sound like it wants to take my lunch money. Chill out, dude.

#4 – Ass

Remember when you saw a donkey on your 7th grade field trip to the zoo or something and thought you would just be a comedian and call it an “ass” because you were technically, right and therefore the teacher couldn’t be mad at you? You sucked, and no one liked you. Also, ass is a poor word for your booty. We have this incredibly beautiful word in booty and you are willingly calling it an ass? Stop it.

#3 – Crusty

I do not get the appeal of this one. It’s not good. Nothing about it is enjoyable. Plus, and this may be my most controversial opinion yet, but Spongebob is maybe not good, and spelling something with a K instead of a c is dumb and most likely racist. You’re going to look me in the face and tell me that Mr. Krabs didn’t worry about his precious money just a bit more when a minority walked in? C’mon.

#2 – Moist

Every single person I asked, this was their #1 answer. Why are people still using this word? Who do I need to speak to so that we can just eradicate this word from the English language? I’ll send them a strongly worded letter. I thought saying moist was the pinnacle of comedy at a sleepover in grade 9. I do not know why I still have friends. This word sucks.

#1 – Daddy

It’s weird, ok? You’re not being sexy, or cute, so just stop. It’s not okay if you’re someone trying to impress a tinder date, in chance that they may text you back so you finally feel wanted for once in your life. It’s ALSO not okay if you’re a toddler referring to your dad. Grow up and start calling him Daddyo like a civilized adult. #StopDaddy2020

That’s it, that’s all. Thanks for making it this far, I know it wasn’t easy. Anyways, let me know which words you would remove from the english language.

As always, thanks for reading! I really appreciate it!

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The Top 10 Numbers of All-Time

Here is some more junk for your mindless consumption.

Numbers have been around since at least the 1920’s and throughout their history, some numbers have had a better career than others. This list will not just rank the standard 0-9 system, but any combination of numbers. They will be ranked based on their recognizability, coolness, and whether I like them. There will be bias, and lots of it, so let’s just get that out of the way. Anyways, here we are:

#10 – The number 10

This one was easy. A slam dunk. Every great list has a top 10. If you are a professional ranker, you have used the number ten, more times than you can remember. Plus, being ten years old may have been the peak of human life. You got to run around and have fun with your friends, without a single care in the world.

#9 – The number 12

Times New Roman, 12 p.t. Font is an absolute banger combination. Plus, when you want to insult someone younger than you, you always say: “what are you, like 12?”

#8 – The number 1

The number one signifies being the best, the winner, the champion. But it also signifies how single you are, you freaking loser. lol

#7 – The number 69

If you thought I wasn’t going to make a 69 joke in this list, you are a fool. Imagine thinking I was mature, idiot.

#6 – The number 24

When heading down to your local liquor mart, what is the number of beers you are likely going to purchase. That’s right you’re gonna buy a 2 4. Or a “rack” for you uncultured swine from Ontario.*

#5 – The number 2012

This was the year we were all supposed to die. And honestly, they might have gotten that one right. Has anyone truly had a good year since then? Or did we all just die inside that year? Plus, that’s the year Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen was released, so in other words, the year music peaked.

#4 – The numbers on your credit card

Comment them below. Don’t be shy. Include the date and CVV code. Do It. Please.

#3 – The number 222-2222

Call number, get pizza. Do I really need to explain any more than that?

#2 – The number 19

When we were growing up, 19 was THE number if you wanted to be the captain of your hockey team. Some of hockey’s greatest leaders have worn this number, such as Joe Sakic, Joe Thornton, Me, Jonathon Toews, Marcus Naslund, and obviously, the greatest captain of all-time Steve Yzerman. If you weren’t wearing number 19, you could not be trusted to be the leader in a room. 19 is the best sports number in the world.

#1 – The number 3

The rule of 3 states that humans find things grouped in threes inherently funnier, more satisfying and more memorable (google it). Triangles, packs of bell peppers, and hockey periods, are all beautiful things that come in threes. So grab your partner and a friend, and celebrate the number 3.

There you have it, the Top 10 numbers of all-time. As always, if you disagree with my list, that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But opinions can be wrong, and boy do you look stupid right now.

Thank you for reading! Make sure to let me know what you want to be ranked next!!

*After doing some research, apparently a rack is actually a 30 pack, but my point still stands. Cry about it.

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Ranking the Colours of the Rainbow

Alright. This is going to be stupid. Let’s just go ahead and get that out of the way.

Colours rock. They are the sauce that keeps the spaghetti we call life tasty. Now, some will say that all colours are equal, or that you can’t rank them because they’re subjective. Those people are idiots, who don’t know that I have been studying Colorimetry for the past 24 years of my life. I have studied what makes some colours great, and what makes others straight up stink. If anyone is allowed to rank them, it would in fact be me. So here we are, I will be now ranking the colours in a standard rainbow, named after the famous Colorimetrist Roy G. Biv, Starting with the obvious choice for worst…

#7 Green

If you like the colour green, please stop reading this article immediately. Your opinion does not matter to me. Green is commonly associated with greed, puke, and the Green Bay Packers. Are those things you want to associate with? Grow up.

#6 Orange

Literally the most wish-washy colour of all time. Are you Red? Are you Yellow? Make up your mind coward. Orange is more indecisive than me trying to find the perfect video to uhh… my parents follow me, nvm. Orange is that friend who ghosts your text, but is way too active in the group chat. Orange took the worst parts of two different colours and made it worse, it’s the kid THAT couple had to try and save their marriage.

#5 Yellow

Look. Yellow is associated with happiness, and nothing is more hip and cool than being sad these days. I don’t make the rules around here, I just enforce them. Other notable uncool things associated with the colour Yellow include: the Green Bay Packers, school busses and the sun.

#4 Indigo

First of all this one should barely be a colour. It’s like the classy Orange. Indigo is riding the coattails of Violet and Blue and their success. It’s probably the least memorable colour, which is why it sits directly in the middle of my list. Not because I forgot about it and had to add it in later, certainly not that.

#3 Violet

Starting off the top 3 is Violet. It’s associated with some good things like the Minnesota Vikings, Crown Royal, and the original Game Boy Advance. But Violet is not without fault, as it also is commonly associated with the MacDonald’s character Grimace, Violet Beauragarde and the eggplant emoji. So Violet, much like the Minnesota Vikings, is pretty okay.

#2 Red

Red Smacks. There are no two ways about it. Red punches you in the face, it makes you want to lift a house, it lights a fire underneath your ass, Red is aggressive. There’s a reason firetrucks are red, it’s because it says: “Hey dude, get your piece of junk 2005 Honda Civic with rust above the back tires and a speaker that only half works, out of my way”. You know what they say about colours with long wavelengths… and Red’s packing.

#1 Blue

Blue is the best colour in the world. But Michael, why? You may foolishly ask… Well, Blue is the colour of water. And you can’t live without water, dumby. Blue is just out here vibing. It doesn’t have beef with anyone, it’s the friend you can always rely on to help you move or when your 2005 Honda Civic doesn’t start. Blue rules.

There you have it. This is the definite list, but if for some stupid reason you disagree, feel free to comment below. I will absolutely be reading all the comments, as my life no longer has purpose.

Thank you for reading, if you have a subject you want me to write about, let me know! I love writing and trying to make you all laugh!

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The Winnipeg Blue Bomber Season Review

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are Grey Cup Champions.

I didn’t know if I would ever be able to type out that sentence and it would actually be true. They did it. They achieved something that this team, no this city, has been working towards for the past 29 years. I spent the last 8,756 days waiting for this city to win the championship it so badly deserved, and yesterday we were rewarded. The best fanbase in Canada was rewarded for their dedication. After sticking with the team through thick and thin, they got to wake up this morning in the city of champions.

Last night’s win, reminded me how much sports can do to bring us together. I don’t think I’ll ever get to recreate the experience of standing at Portage and Main last night. I was lucky enough to be one of the first 50 people to arrive, and as I stood on a ledge and watched as happy Winnipeggers flooded our iconic intersection, I understood what it meant to the city. A city that is going through a whole lot right now, was able to hit pause on its hardships and issues and celebrate together. People of every creed, age, and colour were there embracing, chanting and singing (not always well mind you). Sports truly are special, they allow you bond as a community, lose yourself in the game and well, they’re a hell of a lot of fun.

Anyways, let’s pause the sentimental crap, because I have some bragging to do! As you may recall, I wrote a Bomber season preview in June (you can find it here: https://kanadianmedianetwork.home.blog/2019/06/15/winnipeg-blue-bombers-season-preview/ ). I gave three reasons why the Blue Bombers will win the Grey Cup: Matt Nichols earns Paul LaPolice’s trust, the offensive line gels, and the D-line is dominate. Well if you change Matt Nichols to Zach Collaros, I’d call that a clean sweep.

Zach Collaros had been cast aside in the CFL, forgotten on an Argos roster after a dirty hit ended his time in Saskatchewan. He arrived in Winnipeg, in the midst of a low point in the Bomber’s season. Our offence had grown stale, and Chris Streveler was literally sacrificing his body week-in-and-week-out. Zach stepped into a starting position, in a time when most fans had accepted that this was another lost season. I remember after his first game, my Rider fan cousin, jokingly asked if he was “our new saviour”. Who’s laughing now? Zach added the ability to air it out in important situations, something we had had trouble with doing for the past couple years. Combining him with Chris Streveler to create the best QB duo since Montana and Young, is Paul LaPolice’s Mona Lisa.

Let’s be clear, Andrew Harris is the best athlete in Winnipeg history, and was as dominant as ever last night. But he could not do it without the help of his O-line. They dominated a Hamilton defensive front that had been the best in the CFL up to this point. Those large men created holes for Harris to run through, that were so large that I could have gained 6 yards a carry (before I inevitably broke every bone in my body). Stanley Bryant is the best offensive tackle of the past decade and will rightfully be in the CFL Hall of Fame at the end of his career. The O-line was our offences key to success throughout the past 5 years and they were finally rewarded last night.

I searched all year to find the perfect mythical monster to describe Willie Jefferson. A Centaur, a Minotaur, nothing seemed to fit, until last night it finally came to me. He’s Willie F**king Jefferson, a monster in his own regard. The Best Defensive player in the CFL was in full form last night, along with the rest of the Winnipeg D-Line. Jackson Jeffcoat, Drake Nevis, and everyone else who had a hand in the D-Line’s dominant performance, should be celebrated for how they controlled the game. Now, I’m too lazy to look up the actual numbers, but I’m certain they had no less than 30 sacks and 100 QB pressures last night. From the first whistle to when the clock struck 0:00, they disrupted what had been the best offence in the CFL, and never allowed them to get in a rhythm. A truly historic performance.

So am I saying I’m clairvoyant? Yes. Yes I am. But in all seriousness, this year felt special from the beginning. Something felt different, and as ramped up toward the playoffs, there was a feeling of hope within the city that we had been missing for years. We did it. We finally did it.

Anything Is Possible.

P.S.

On a personal note, the moment I shared with my dad as I facetimed him after the win is irreplaceable and something I will cherish for the rest of my life. We have attended nearly every game together, and I couldn’t help but shed a couple tears as we spoke. He brought me to my first game, and as both of us sat tongue tied, trying to understand the magnitude of what happened, all I could think was thank you. Thank you for creating this bonding event, we get to share every summer. It is truly special. I love you, Dad.

Thank you for reading! I missed writing and hope to get back into it more seriously!

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Chance the Rapper: “The Big Day”

On Friday, Chance the Rapper released his first album, aptly titled “The Big Day” (TBD) as many of his fans have been waiting for his debut for a number of years. Up until now, Chance the Rapper had released 3 EPs (10 Day, Acid Rap, and Coloring Book). His newest release is a behemoth of an album, with 22 tracks and a runtime that puts the Lord of the Rings to shame. The album explores his new found fatherhood and the ups-and-downs of his young marriage, while also sprinkling in a healthy amount of religious ideologies. There are many moments throughout the album, where Chance shines, however I have a couple of issues with the album as a whole. Here are my Pros and Cons of Chance’s debut album:

Pros:

Exceptional production on all the tracks. I enjoyed 95% of the beats on this album and every song has a unique sound that I really enjoy about Chance’s music.
Chance’s upbeat tempo and flow throughout the album is fun. He has a unique voice that helps him stand out from a lot of other mainstream rappers. It will forever be one of my favourite parts about his music and he has a flow that floats through the album.
I will never, ever get tired of hearing Chano sing “And we back”
Favourite Tracks: Ballin Flossin, Zanies and Fools, All Day Long, Big Fish

Cons:

It’s too long. As simple as that sounds, it really is a problem. I will openly admit I have a short attention span, however a 77 minute runtime is absolutely ridiculous and twice as long as it realistic needs to be (but that’s a rant for another day). Chance, much like other artists such as Drake, will often release these stuffed projects, purely to bump up their streaming numbers. By releasing these bloated albums, with twice as many songs as they should include, it usually ends up being disappointing. They begin to be less picky with what makes the album and as you jump from a banger to a bummer, the album can feel disrupted and it can take you out of your listening experience. There are numerous songs on “TBD” that, if they were to be excluded, the overall album would not decline.

The content and the lyrics are not the Chance I fell in love with. Now I want to point out that it’s ridiculous to believe that artists will continue to release the same content as they grow and mature. However, when I first heard “10 Day” I was in high school and it felt like that album was written for me, personally. My first year of University, I must have listened to that Acid Rap every single day as it fit my mood and demeanour perfectly. In the 6 years since Acid Rap, I think it’s fair to say that Chance the Rapper’s life has drastically changed. He is a father (and husband), incredibly successful and more open about his devotion to God. To put it plainly, three things I can’t relate to in the slightest, which vastly takes away from my enjoyment of the album. He is prospering and is happy, which is fantastic and I am happy for him, it just isn’t my cup of tea.

I read a comment on r/HipHopHeads that read, “This is an album that you release when you are surrounded by yes men”, and I think that perfectly encapsulates my thoughts on the album

No Kanye or Childish Gambino features.

What is Hot Shower? Someone help me figure out if this song is utter trash or utter genius.

Final Verdict:

This album is like eating a massive bag of cotton candy. It’s light and fluffy without much substance, and you know you should have stopped eating it a long before you actually did. There are a couple songs that I will add into my rotation for the rest of the summer, however the majority of these songs won’t be played again for a long time. Chance’s life is now incredibly different than mine, and while it is no fault to his, I just don’t connect to his music any longer. I’m will listen to any new Chance album, but catch me afterwards bumping Acid Rap…

Score: 45/100

As always, thank you so much for reading! If you liked this, give it a like and subscribe to my blog! If not, follow on me twitter (@kananoja) to yell at me.

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Are the 2019 Toronto Argos the Worst CFL Team Ever?

The 08’ Detroit Lions and the 17’ Cleveland Browns both infamously went 0-16, finishing the season with a pathetic zero wins. This incredible feat of ineptitude, has never been replicated in the Canadian Football League. This year’s Toronto Argonauts have a chance to make history and become the worst CFL team ever. And boy, they sure are well on their way.

The only Canadian football team to ever achieve this feat was the Hamilton Wildcats in 1949, a full nine years before the CFL was created. That year, the Hamilton Wildcats failed to win a single game, and were so disastrous that the next season they had to merge with the Hamilton Tigers, thus creating the … wait for it… Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

What a half-assed decision. What is Hamilton’s fixation on non-domesticated, large felines? Was there a large feral cat population in Hamilton at some point? Do tabbies just roam the streets of the Hammer? Either way, their team plays like a bunch of pussies.

What were we talking about? Oh ya, the Argos stink. Here are a list of ways in which they suck:

They are dead last in the CFL in points per game.
- Sitting at 10.5 pts/game, they are a full 7 pts/game (A TOUCHDOWN) behind the next closest team.
Their current starting quarterback (McLeod Bethel-Thomson) has as many first names as the Argos have wins this season.
They have arguably the best RB-WR tandem in the CFL (James Wilder Jr. and Derel Walker), yet they are unable to get them ball on a consistent basis.
On defence, their current leader in tackles is Ian Wild.
- lol
They currently have a point differential of negative 139.
- This coincidentally is also the number of people living in Toronto that give a shit about the Argos.

Now seeing as though a quick google search yielded mixed results, I have no choice but to pronounce that the 2019 Toronto Argonauts are the worst CFL team of all-time. I, for one, can’t wait for them to beat the Bombers next week and ruin our perfect season.

We are back. Like and subscribe for more garbage. Follow me on twitter (@kananoja) for even worse.

Animals I Could Beat in a Fight Pt. 1

Animals truly are living their best life. All of us assholes are stuck inside, worrying about which pair of sweats we are going to wear today (shout out track pants – the classy sweats), while animals are out here literally just chilling. They aren’t being hunted, pollution is down, and those noisey humans are finally shutting up. They’re probably all feeling pretty great right now, and if they are smart they would be plotting to overthrow us at the top of the food chain. For the first time in like 2500(?) years, the top spot is up for grabs. We’re on our heels, worried about catching a cold, and you know your cat is secretly plotting your demise right this moment. So in preparation of the eventual animal revolution, I have put together a list of animals I could beat in a 1-on-1 fight.

Here are the rules: I will assess the number of times I would beat them in ten 1-on-1 fights. I’ll assume this is happening in the forest somewhere, so I do have the opportunity to fashion a weapon.

And before we begin, I want to make this painstakingly clear that this is a joke and I do not want to fight any of these animals. Frig off, Peta.

First off I should give you an idea of what I bring to the table…

Michael

Height: 5’11 (but 6’0 if my girlfriend asks)

Weight: 185 lbs (before quarantine snacks)

Strengths:

Bought a punching bag and used it for one summer.
Works out 3-4 times a week
Plays Rec Soccer and Hockey
The unearned confidence of a white man in their 20’s

Weaknesses

All of my joints are bad. Every single one
Eats at least one peanut butter and jam sandwich a day
Crippling caffeine addiction
The unearned confidence of a white man in their 20’s

So now let’s take a look how I stack up against the animal revolution:

House Cats

Height: 10 inches

Weight: 9 pounds

Strengths:

Evil
Incredibly cute

Weaknesses:

Neutered
“Scaredy cat”

10/10: I would absolutely rag doll a cat. As a sane individual, or as they are more commonly known as: a dog person, I would have no issues drop-kicking a cat. They are small, and agile, but the second I get my hands on mr.whiskers, it’s over.

Dog (my dog Willow)

Height: 2’0”

Weight: 44lbs

Strengths:

She’s so cute
Eats her dinner ridiculously fast, so I assume she has great jaw strength
My parents/sister would kill me if I hurt her

Weaknesses:

Is probably 90% blind at this point, probably also going deaf
Spends 20 hours of the day napping
She’s 91 years old (in dog years)

9/10: I didn’t want to have to do this, but I could absolutely beat Willow in a fight. She really is no match. But there is that one time out of ten I probably just wouldn’t be able to go through with it. “Well Michael, wouldn’t your family try and stop you?” I mean probably, but I could beat them all up as well, so it doesn’t matter.

Canadian Goose

Height: 3’6”

Weight: 14 lbs

Strengths:

Is the literal spawn of satan
They could use their poop as chemical warfare
They can fly

Weaknesses:

That gangly-ass neck
Bird bones might as well be peanut brittle
I would take pleasure in ending their entire bloodline

10/10: These animals are the rats of the sky. They are trash birds that have no place in our world. I would take pleasure in personally strangling each of these stupid birds. Fashioning a necklace out of their stupid ass long necks would bring me joy. I hate these birds, it’s on sight. I will honk right in their face.

Honey Badger

Height: 2’0”

Weight: 32 lbs

Strengths:

Feisty little buggers
Thick Skinned
Honey Badger Don’t Care

Weaknesses:

They look a bit like a skunk
Small man syndrome
I do in fact care

7/10: Finally we start into animals that would give me a bit of trouble. These little buggers are tough as nails, with big claws and a mean streak. It’s not crazy to think they get the jump on me every once in a while. However, They’re mostly scavengers, not specialized in taking down the big dogs. And if it’s life or death, I will Bautista bomb a Honey Badger with no remorse.

Deer

Height: 4’8”

Weight: 200 lbs

Strengths:

Antlers
Probably pretty fast
Did I mention they have knives attached to their heads?

Weaknesses:

Weak knees and ankles
Aren’t even carnivores
Literally has a steering wheel attached to their head

6/10: I’m gonna be real with you all, and tell you that deer are a lot bigger than I originally thought. However, they’re ankles look like toothpicks and I would have them on skates like my name’s Kyrie Irving. I would 1000% cross up a deer and step over it like it’s Ty Lue. They would probably stab me to death on multiple occasions. However, If I can get a hold of those antlers, I would be driving them straight into an early grave.

Scolopendra Centipede

Length: 12 inches

Weight: very light

Strengths:

So many freaking legs
VENOM
Fast as lightning

Weaknesses:

3/10: I am deathly afraid of Centipedes. WHY DO THEY NEED ALL THOSE LEGS? And these Scolopendra Centipedes are the worst of the worst. These crazy mofo’s take down birds and lizards. I would be shaking and crying while this thing slowly poisoned me to death. If I miss stepping on it the first time, It’s night-night for me. They have so many legs, FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT?

Wolf

Height: 30 inches

Weight: 150 pounds

Strengths:

Razor Sharp Teeth
Faster than me
Big ol’ Paws

Weaknesses:

Lost without it’s buddies
Could be subdued with a good belly scratch

5/10: If we are being honest, in a bare knuckle round I’m winning maybe one out of ten times. But since I have a developed brain (shout out evolution), I can fashion a club out of a tree branch to even the playing field. Wolves are primarily pack hunters and they rely far too much on their friends. So do I, but that’s more for emotional support than actual physical violence. If I can get a big stick before it’s too late, I’m looking like a prime Barry Bonds going to town on this wolf.

Bald Eagle

Height: 3’0”

Weight: 10 lbs

Strengths:

The whole “flight” thing
Has never used nail clippers
Sharp-ass beak

Weaknesses:

Still a bird
Bones made of paper mache

7/10: The mighty Bald Eagle puts up a substantially better fight than the lowly Canadian Goose. But it’s still a bird and there will be zero(0) respect for birds on this blog. Yes, it could dive bomb me, scratch me up with those talons. But if I get a hold of this lil birdie, it’s crumbling faster than the American Health Care system these days. Slather them wings up with BBQ sauce and call it a day.

Now again, this list is obviously hypothetical and I do not want to fight any of these animals (unless the goose starts it). But, if there is an animal revolution, I think I would fine. That is unless giant centipedes find a way to survive the cold, then it was nice knowing all of you.

Thanks again for reading! Might update this one in the future, but until then I am trying to put out a piece every second day, so keep your eyes peeled!